


Nobody Said It'd Be Easy

by Plodder



Series: Start Again New [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Humor, Cake, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Ice Skating, Insomnia, M/M, Nurse Anakin, References to Depression, Wedding Planning, Writer Obi-Wan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-14 21:06:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13598388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plodder/pseuds/Plodder
Summary: Anakin and Ben are getting married, but first they have to plan a wedding, which is easier said than done.Alternatively, Ben is sad, Anakin is confused, Satine is meddling, and everyone needs more cake.





	Nobody Said It'd Be Easy

**Author's Note:**

> Gentle readers, this is a sequel of sorts to my modern au fic, Start Again New. It can probably be read on its own. This takes place about a year after the first story and not too long after the third. 
> 
> I needed something to distract me while working on my obikin big bang fic, since that won't be published until March. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

“Where are you, chickadee? We have to get moving!”

It had been a lovely morning, the late January sunlight streaming through the window, making even the snow and ice look enticing. The house was warm and cozy and the kitties were playing around his feet. Ben had just sat down at the table with a mug of steaming tea and his laptop, ready to work on a few projects until he was disturbed. He’d know that voice anywhere. He tried not to cringe.

“There you are pet! You’re not even dressed!” Satine looked down at him, her own blond hair elegantly coiffed, dressed in a berry colored sheath dress over black tights with little heeled boots.

Pursing her lips, she walked over to him and slammed a large white object onto the table along with the usual take out cup filled with vibrant green slime. The table and its contents shook alarmingly. Ben grabbed his mug in fear and pushed his laptop out of the way.

“It’s not yet 8 am, Satine,” Ben said, sighing theatrically. Anakin wasn’t even home from the hospital yet.

He looked down at himself thinking that he didn’t look too bad in a grey sweatshirt and soft old jeans from approximately 1995. “I’m a writer. I work at home. There’s no dress code. The cats aren’t sticklers for business casual.”

“Don’t you want to look good for your fiancé? You’re not married yet,” she said ominously and pushed the offensive white object towards him. “Don’t you remember our plans for today?”

“’Teeny, I don’t think Anakin is marrying me only for my looks. And yes, I remember we were going to talk about the wedding. I don’t recall having any formal plans.”

Ben looked down at the thing. It was a giant, white binder, decorated with pictures of swans and ribbons, lace and doves. On the front it said, ‘Anakin and Ben’s Wedding Planner: The Adventure Begins” in flowery font.

Ben gingerly opened the cover. Inside were numerous tabs dividing the hateful object into sections including ‘flowers’, ‘venue’, ‘cake’, ‘invitations’, etc. He started to feel vaguely ill.

Ben had been overjoyed when Anakin had asked him to marry him, but the idea of a wedding had been a far off, distant thought. He’d secretly hoped they’d elope. Unfortunately it seemed that Anakin wanted a ‘real wedding’. The whole idea was nauseating and brought up feelings he didn’t really want to examine.

Compounding that feeling, Satine pushed the beverage towards him. “I have so much for us to look at today! Drink up, little robin, you’ll need your strength.”

Once he’d gulped down the bitter substance, Satine bodily pulled him out of the chair and pushed him upstairs, into the walk-in closet. She went as far as starting to pull off his sweatshirt like she was the mother of an uncooperative toddler when he finally pushed her away.

“All right, all right, ‘Teen. I get it. I’m changing.”

She sat on the closed laundry hamper to supervise and to ensure there was no dallying. He was never allotted any privacy anyway, Ben thought as he changed into something that she would approve of.

“Starling, we have to choose a venue today. That’ll be the hardest thing. I have several appointments. Also, I planned a trip to New York so the two of you could be fitted for suits. You’re not going to find anything of quality here.”

“New York? Isn’t that a bit, um, excessive?” The thought of traveling just to get something he’d wear once or twice sounded terrible. He was getting reclusive in his old age.

“Not at all. I thought you’d enjoy it. You used to like to shop.”

“I suppose I did. I haven’t since, well for the past few years.” He’d used to be vain, he guessed, and took pride in the way he looked, but since his body had failed him and he’d been so ill, he didn’t feel that way anymore.

Satine’s face softened. “It’s your wedding, duck, don’t you want to look your best? I looked at your schedule; as my reliable little pet your calendar is always up to date. Anakin and I planned a date that would work.”

“You planned the trip with Anakin?” He was genuinely worried about the fact that Anakin and Satine had already been conspiring together.

“Of course I did! He’s as excited as I am. He’d come today if he wasn’t working night shifts. He needs his rest.”

Ben shook his head in exasperation. Why couldn’t they just elope? He supposed he was being selfish; Anakin had never been married before.

Dressed now in a dark grey jacket over a cream sweater and dark jeans, he gave Satine a marked look.

“Is this good enough for you?” He asked, raising a brow.

Satine pursed her lips and looked him up and down. “What do you think about getting a personal trainer, pet? I know just the man. You want to look you best, don’t you?”

“What is this, pick on Ben day? ‘Teen, that sounds absolutely vile. Anakin fell in love with me when I was still half dead anyway. He must not be too picky.” Ben mentally counted to ten. It never worked to yell at Satine, she’d start to cry.

“Oh darling, you’re always charming. I just want things to be perfect for you.”

“I’m not making myself completely miserable for the sake of a wedding. It’s just one day.” He scrubbed his hand through his hair thoughtfully. “Anakin’s the pretty one. Everyone will be looking at him and not at how perky my ass is.”

Satine snorted and pulled him into a hug. “Oh little robin, you’re all right. Let’s get going.”

They climbed into Satine’s hybrid Lexus SUV and drove off towards downtown, stopping in front of a bakery charmingly called ‘Faerie Cakes’.

“Well, this sounds promising. I wonder if they serve the gays?” Ben asked.

“The name, pet, as you alluded to, says it all. They most certainly do. Come now, I think you’ll love this place. We can choose flavors later if you think it will work,” Satine said, getting out of the SUV.

Purse swinging at her side, Satine took him by the arm and led him into the shop. It smelled like heaven. The place was warm and inviting, redolent of vanilla, sugar, and maybe cardamom, the perfect antidote to the frosty cold morning. Maybe they could just stay here for a while. Ben sighed. He would never be so lucky.

The bell on the door rang as they entered, and a short woman came from the back, cheeks pink, hair a crown of brown curls.

“Hello, I’m Satine Kryze. I’d made an appointment to look at cakes?”

“Oh yes, of course,” she said smiling. “Are you the couple?”

“Of course not, my dear. This is one of the grooms and I’m just his pushy best friend. The other couldn’t make it,” Satine said, gently shoving Ben forward towards the counter.

He stared in awe at the creations in the glass case. There were forests, gardens, and fairy tale castles of fondant, marzipan, and sugar. They were works of art for sure, but did anyone actually eat them?

“We can make fairly accurate replicas of the couple in marzipan as well,” the woman said, pointing to some scarily lifelike people sculpted out of almond paste.

Ben shuddered as he imagined someone taking a bit out of his head. “I think it will be all right if I’m never immortalized in the form of confection, but the cakes are quite lovely.”

Satine glared at him, jabbing a bony elbow in his side, but the woman continued on unperturbed. “They come in a variety of cake flavors and fillings and can be made to fit dietary restrictions and certain diets such as vegan,” she said, handing him a card and walking away so that they could study the offerings.

Ben glanced at the card and looked at the prices for a minute. His eyes widened and mind boggled. He couldn’t imagine spending enough to fund a small army on a cake.

Satine tilted her head and gave him a benevolent smile. “Don’t you worry about that. I’ll pay for it. Do you like this place or not?”

“’Tine, you don’t have to.”

“I know but I want to. Indulge me. Please, I so rarely get to have any fun anymore.” She batted her lashes and pouted.

Ben pinched the bridge of his nose and gave in. “It’s a lovely place. I’m sure it will work perfectly.”

He thought back to Satine’s wedding, which had been a disaster. It had poured rain and turned the outdoor venue into a mud pit. The catering company hadn’t shown up. They just sat and drank. It was never spoken of. He supposed he should have some pity and allow her to have her fun.

The woman came back over with a platter of cake slivers in a variety of flavors. She pointed at two of them. “These two are vegan, the rest are standard. Please try If you’d like.”

Ben poked Satine in the shoulder. “Even if it was vegan, she still wouldn’t eat it.”

“Now, robin, I may indulge on a special occasion,” Satine said, raising a delicate blond brow.

“Fine ‘Tine. Do we need to choose now?” Ben asked the shopkeeper. “I’d rather wait and have my fiancé and his father come and taste.”

“That’s just fine, you can book us to make your cake now so we can get you on the schedule, but there’s no need to pick flavors now. Just schedule a time when your party is available.”

“That will work for us.” Ben looked down at the platter and reached out to try one.

Satine swatted his hand away, getting back at him for the vegan comment. “He gets highly excitable with sugar and we have a long day. We’ll try them later.”

Chastised, Ben sat at one of the little tables in the front while Satine dealt with the paperwork. He was hungry, and why did it have to smell like heaven in here? He been kidnapped by Satine before breakfast and the slime drink didn’t count. Eyes wandering about the room, he spied a counter with ordinary pastries. Maybe he could get one without Satine noticing. He started to walk over when she intercepted him.

“Wait a second, I’m going to buy a bun…”

Satine grabbed his arm and escorted him out. “Darling, no, we have no time. I have almonds and some bars in my purse. I came prepared.”

Satine’s ‘bars’ were composed of twigs, moss, and the occasional pebble if one was lucky. It was going to be a long day.

They went to what seem like an endless parade of possible venues including a barn (he was not getting married where livestock were once kept, no), a country club (ugh), two ballrooms (passable), an arboretum (pretty but bugs and weather), and a hotel banquet hall (nice view but boring).

Satine kept dragging him along at a rapid clip, not stopping for breaks or bodily needs that could not be taken care of in the space of two minutes. She kept telling him “We have no time!! You two parakeets picked too close a date. We must choose today.”

When he’d remarked that it was 8 months away, she advised him that was ‘far too short a time to plan a civilized wedding’.

None of the places were quite right and Satine was getting progressively more manic and frazzled. Ben had stared longingly at the restaurants, then the food trucks, then all the corner stores they passed while Satine pulled him along and gave him handfuls of almonds at random intervals.

The sky was just beginning to darken and they had one place left to go. “Satine, could we just go tomorrow?” Ben pleaded. His feet hurt, he was sick of almonds, and he needed tea like a drowning man needs a raft.

“No chickadee, it’s just one more. I think you’re going to love it. It’s an old grain elevator tower that was converted into lofts and a spectacular restaurant which has a lovely view of the river from its private dining room.”

It was an old dun brick building, rising stalwart from the riverside. They entered at the front into a high-ceiling room with exposed brick walls. It did look promising.

A greyhound lean, dark-haired woman met them, introduced herself and told them about what the venue could offer. It seemed perfect, but she had some disappointing news.

“I’m sorry, but the elevators are undergoing routine maintenance. We must have overlooked that when scheduling you. To actually look at the venue, you may have to come back another day, or we can hike up.”

Ben froze. He knew what Satine was going to say. She actually took off her heeled boots and stood in her stocking feet, prepared.

“We’ll take the stairs,” She said, resolute.

“You can, but it’s 12 flights of pretty rough stairs.”

Ben grimaced at her. He was tired. Coming back tomorrow could not make any difference. It couldn’t.

“We can do it!! Someone may take your date before we come back.” Satine said and rubbed his back a little, as if to provide some comfort. “Come on hummingbird, we’ll get our cardio for the day.”

Ben felt the blood rush from his face. He was so tired. He was so done. He guessed if walking up these stairs could make this day end, he’d be up to the challenge. He could do it. He would do it.

The proprietress started in front. She looked like she jogged this on a regular basis. He continued behind Satine, and they started at a reasonable pace.

A little past halfway, he realized that it was a terrible idea. Despite what Satine thought, he did exercise, but slow running and yoga, not this degree of exertion. He didn’t normally notice the scarring in his lungs anymore, but now he did. His pulse was roaring in his ears like a steam engine.

The stairway tilted a little and went dark for a second. Alarmed, he sat down and wheezily panted for a minute, not caring if he was left behind. Probably because she no longer heard his gasping, Satine turned around. He was sure she was going to yell at him again, but she didn’t. She just stopped, turned around, and sat down beside him.

He leaned against her for a few minutes, until his breathing slowed down.

“I’m sorry, robin. I’ve been torturing you all day. We can go back down if you want,” Satine said, sounding chastised.

Ben’s breath was finally steady again. He wasn’t coming back to risk doing this again. “We’re more than half way now, but can this be the last place, ‘Tine’? I’d like to go home.”

“Of course.” She rifled through her purse for a minute and pulled a baggie of something out of it, and it thankfully was not almonds.

“Here pet, I keep these for emergencies,” She said offering some sort of small food objects which seemed to be covered in chocolate. He was floored.

“They’re chocolate covered expresso beans.”

He ate some of them even though he didn’t like coffee, but he supposed they might give him some energy. They finished the climb slowly, with Satine continuing to give him worried looks.

Despite the seemingly never-ending torture of it, the climb was worth it as the room was gorgeous. It had a spectacular view of the river with the setting sun and the city. The floors appeared to be dark, polished stone, the ceilings were impossibly tall, and the walls were exposed brick with dark beams. It was perfect.

He stared out the windows while Satine reserved it, and they made their way back down. He felt oddly exhausted yet overstimulated and imagined this is what toddlers felt like when they threw tantrums. He should have been glad about the planning progress they’d made, but really he just wanted to go hide somewhere dark and quiet.

After Satine dropped him off, Ben wandered into the kitchen to find Anakin putting away groceries, humming to himself and dancing a little. He collapsed onto one of the stools at the breakfast bar and slumped onto the counter. He knew it was probably a bad idea to talk to Anakin right now, but he was too tired to go somewhere else.

Anakin turned around when he heard Ben come in and walked over, kissing his cheek.

“How was it? That took a long time if Satine just dropped you off,” Anakin said, going back to the groceries.

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“You look tired…. How many of the venues did you go to?” Anakin asked.

“Too many,” Ben folded his arms on the counter and laid his head on them.

“You’re weirdly quiet. Look at what I got you at the store!!” Anakin pulled a package out of one of the grocery bags. They looked like plain muffins.

“Muffins?” Ben asked, a bit befuddled.

“English Muffins!!! Get it? You’re English and you’re a muffin.” Anakin grinned and looked pleased with himself.

A tiny part of Ben melted, but the rest of him remained grouchy. He was going to take his decrepit old self upstairs to be alone for a while. He couldn’t handle Anakin in this ebullient mood without snapping.

“What? Did I leave you speechless?” Anakin said and enveloped him in a tight hug.

“What place did you like the best?” Anakin said into his shoulder still trying to get him to talk. He smelled clean and lemony, likely had just showered. Probably had just been to the gym, like the healthy bastard that he was.

“The last one, since you seemed to know all about Satine’s plans. I’m going to go shower and lay down.”

“Ooh the tower! Aren’t you hungry? I was going to make your favorite chicken leek soup. I got you some nice fresh bread,” Anakin asked, worry creeping into his even features.

“Not particularly,” Ben replied. His stomach was roiling after eating plant juice, almonds, and coffee beans, leaving a horrid acidic taste in his mouth. Ben gently untangled himself from a somewhat bewildered and hurt looking Anakin and went upstairs.

He undressed and stared at himself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom. Was he really good enough for Anakin who was so sweet and eager and well, pretty? In the mirror, he though he looked acceptable, not overly muscled, but serviceable. Nothing was droopy yet. He’d never be a model, but Anakin seemed to like him. He still had excellent hair.

Ben sighed, making a silly face at his reflection. He took a shower as hot as he could stand and then climbed into bed. This was silly. He’d stop feeling sorry for himself and act like a reasonable human being tomorrow. Totally exhausted with a hint of nausea, he dozed for a while until he felt the bed dip and Anakin spoon up beside him. Everything was fine.

* * *

It was the night before their trip to New York for the suit fitting and Anakin was sitting on the floor in their finished basement, by the fireplace. Ben was upstairs writing, working on his next novel. He’d been quiet lately and a little distracted, and Anakin was keeping away for a while, trying not to annoy him.

Anakin had felt oddly nostalgic this evening, so he was looking through a shoe box of old photographs. Annie, his grey kitty and personal favorite, was trying to help by batting at them. She must have sensed his mood.

“I’m getting married, mom,” he said softly to one of the old pictures, one of the two of them at the zoo. She’d planned a special day for them and saved up to buy him the stuffed animal of his choosing. He still had it, hidden in his dresser, a battered toy wolf. It seemed like she was still smiling back at him.

Anakin heard the stairs creak and turned his head to see Ben coming down them. He smiled softly at Anakin at sat cross-legged beside him. His hair was getting kind of long, and some of it was standing on end.

“Here you are. Are you hiding?”

“No, just looking at some pictures.”

“Can I see?” Ben said, holding out his hand, and Anakin passed a few to him.

“Your mother looks so kind and lovely. I wish I could have met her,” Ben said, gazing down at the photo.

“Yeah, she would have loved you. She would have been so proud of us.”

Ben looked up at him with wide, bright eyes and caressed his cheek. “I have no idea what happens when we die, love, but I like to think that somehow those we love are watching us.”

Anakin swallowed back a lump in his throat and asked, “Do you miss your mom?” He hoped this didn’t upset Ben, but he rarely ever talked about his family, and Anakin was curious. All he knew was that she was dead.

“I do sometimes. I wish I could have known her better. She was beautiful and soft, but very sad. I spent a lot of time with nannies, but I treasured every moment I had with her.” Ben stood up and rubbed at his stubble. “ I think I have a picture somewhere.”

He walked into the storage room and Anakin heard the sounds of him rummaging around. Ben returned holding a picture frame and sat back on the floor by Anakin.

“We don’t really look alike other than the hair. She always told me I looked like my father,” Ben said, passing the frame to Anakin.

“I thought you never knew him?” Anakin asked as he took it carefully.

Ben studied Anakin thoughtfully. “No. He was a pilot in the RAF. Crashed when I was an infant. They weren’t married and I’m not entirely sure he wanted anything to do with me. I really know very little about him. Don’t even have a picture.”

Ben’s mother was an elegant woman with a drawn but fine-featured face, hair the same auburn. She was wearing one of those strange hats that fancy English women wear and a tailored wool coat over a dark dress. Holding her hand was what had to be a tiny, wide-eyed Ben, round cheeked and solemn in his own little coat and shiny dress shoes. He looked like he should be the hero of some classic children’s book.

“She is really pretty, but look at how cute you were!! How old were you?”

“Were? I’m not still cute? I think I was 6 or 7.” Ben raised his left brow.

“You’re still cute,” Anakin said, putting down the picture and tackling him into a hug. Anakin peppered little kisses all over Ben’s face as he laughed and kissed back.

“You were a beautiful child while I looked like a Victorian orphan. You could have been a child model as well,” Ben said, sitting back up.

“I guess,” said Anakin, face flushing.

Anakin grinned sheepishly, then looked up to study Ben’s face. He didn’t like the violet stains under his eyes; they stood out so much on his fair skin. Anakin doubted he was sleeping well. On the nights he didn’t work that they shared a bed, Ben would toss and turn and sometimes just get up and leave. He told Anakin that he sometimes had insomnia and that it would pass. Anakin tried not to worry. Things had generally been going so well.

Very early the following morning, Satine, Anakin, and Ben headed off to the airport, chauffeured by Padme, Satine’s wife, who often ran the juice bar. No one said very much on the way. They went through security and waited by the gate

“There are two seats together and one separate,” Anakin said, looking at the boarding passes.

“You two lovebirds can sit together,” Satine said, studying her manicure intently.

“I’d like to get some work done, so why don’t you two sit together and plan?” Ben replied curtly, pointing at his laptop.

Ben seemed grumpy this morning. Anakin was disappointed he didn’t want to sit by him, but then again it wasn’t the school bus and he wasn’t eight years old. He walked off for a minute to get a few snacks.

Ben must have taken some sort of anti-nausea medication, because he spent the flight in a very serious and intent manner, working on his laptop. Anakin retaliated by giggling with Satine and throwing peanut M&Ms at Ben’s back, with extra points if they caught in his collar. Ben simply extracted them and ate them, refusing to acknowledge that he knew them.

The landed uneventfully and got a ride to the store for the suit fitting. As the entered the elegant, brick storefront, Ben was lagging a little. He’d stopped to pull an M&M from out of his shirt, so Satine and Anakin entered the establishment with Ben trailing behind. A very tall, very thin man in an immaculate charcoal suit greeted them. He had oddly long, skinny eyebrows that matched the rest of him.

“What a gorgeous couple the two of you make! A pair of tall blondes. Just spectacular. Do you have a picture of the dress?” He asked, simpering.

“What? Dress?” Anakin said, initially confused and panicking over which one of them would have to wear a frilly, white princess dress, then realizing that he must think Anakin was marrying Satine. Anakin started to giggle, a little hysterically to be honest.

“Satine and I aren’t’ getting married.” Anakin said, pulling Ben beside him, throwing his arm around his shoulder. “This is my fiancé,” Anakin said, proudly.

The man looked down his long, elegant nose at Ben “Oh, I almost didn’t see you back there.”

Ben flushed and frowned, but then squared his shoulders and stood as tall as he was able. His voice had become icy and crisp. “Yes, I’m hard to notice in the company of Artemis and Apollo over there.”

“Indeed.” Said the man raising one of those thin, black brows and leading them to a set of plush chairs. Satine tried to muffle her own giggles as two more m&ms rolled from out of Ben’s coat. Anakin kicked them under his chair.

The man handed them swaths of fabrics to choose from and opened a glossy book, plopping it aggressively into Ben’s lap.

“You’ll want to match, I’m assuming?” He asked.

“That would be best,” Satine said, studying the images. She’d regained her composure and was no longer erupting into giggles.

The man looked at Anakin appreciatively and walked closer, putting his hand on his shoulder. “I’ve seen you before, probably in the 2010 Gucci fall campaign? Yes? I’d recognize those straight shoulders anywhere. You haven’t changed at all.”

Anakin tried to sit back further in his chair. “Um, thanks?”

“Such an honor to serve you. You were made to wear a suit or I should say that you have the body type suits were made for. You’re going to look spectacular.” Now both hands were on his shoulders and the man was gazing on at him like he’d found his life’s purpose.

Anakin turned his head to look at Satine and Ben, who were staring in horror like they were watching a 10-car pile-up. He thanked whatever gods were listening that Ben wasn’t the jealous type.

Ben cleared his throat and pointed at one of the pictures in the book. “What about this cut?”

The man grimaced and released Anakin, then stared down at the picture with a sneer. “That much fabric would overwhelm you. You might as well wear a tent.”

“Maybe I will. There would be more colors to choose from and outdoors people tend to be friendly,” Ben said, archly raising a brow, then muttered something under his breath. Satine started elbowing him furiously.

The man grabbed the book from him and handed it to Anakin. He could see Satine and Ben engaged in some kind of animated wordless argument.

“What about this one?” Anakin asked, hoping to relieve some of the tension in the room. He pointed at a modern, slim-cut suit.

“Oh yes, you would look like a dream in that! A walking masterpiece.” The man looked dreamily out the window as if he were imagining some kind of spectacular scene.

“What about Ben?”

“Ah, that one.” The man looked Ben up and down, who was sitting bolt upright in his chair, mouth flat, face expressionless. “He’ll look satisfactory. Now, let’s choose a color.”

“This black one?” Anakin asked, pointing to one of the swathes. At this point he just wanted to get the hell out of there. He’d never felt so awkward in his life.

Suit man took the swath and held it to his face. “Classic black? It will look beautiful with your skin tone.” He gave a passing glance to Ben. “Just about every color will wash him out, but black should be acceptable.”

The three men walked into the back to obtain measurements, and Anakin could almost feel suit man’s eyes staring at his ass as they walked. Anakin could tell that Ben was seething, but he didn’t say anything and allowed the man to take his measurements. Anakin wondered what Satine had said to him to make him behave.

* * *

After waking up in the middle of the night for the umpteenth time lately, Ben slid out of bed, threw on his robe, and padded down to the living room. He lay on the couch and stared at the ceiling, imagining it was the night sky.

Insomnia was leading him closer towards melancholy and this night happened to hold some deeper meaning for him. Lost in mindless thoughts, a memory came to him, unbidden. He lay on a beach with Cody, after their wedding. The waves were gentle and the night sky was dark and sprayed thick with stars. He could still smell the brine in the air and feel Cody’s warm, strong hand in his.

“I still can’t believe you agreed to go on a date with me. You were like this exotic, charming thing. And hot,” Cody had said.

“I was a mess. I certainly wasn’t a prize,” Ben replied, snorting.

“Yes you were. Alarmingly clever. Gorgeous eyes. The most amazing smile. Self-righteous. Charismatic.”

“Stop it. I was a brat.” Ben reached over and swatted Cody’s shoulder.

“You still are. But you’re always amazing,” Cody said with a grin.

“Well if I’m amazing, you’re perfect. My strong, silent Cody.”

Cody groaned, but Ben didn’t let him for very long. He rolled over and kissed Cody, framing his face in his hands. They lay there for a long time, kissing and laughing, lost in their new-found bliss.

Cody was steadfast and pragmatic. Quiet and calm, a rock he could moor himself to. Sometimes in the darkest of these nights, he missed him more than he could say. He swallowed back a massive lump in his throat and tried to ignore the hot wash of tears hiding behind his eyes.

Sometimes he felt quite well, but sometimes he had moments like on those infernal stairs which reminded him that his body wasn’t the same anymore. There was a good chance that he could get very sick again, even the usual colds and flus that went around took him an eternity to get over. He couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Anakin like Cody left him. The idea that he could put his beloved through that agony was eating at his mind lately.

Fuck these thoughts. Everything could also end up fine and he and Anakin could grow old and saggy together. Ben picked up a battered and dog-eared copy of The Nine Tailors which was sitting on the floor by the couch and started to read. Somehow, things would be better when the dawn came.

He looked up when he heard the stairs creak and saw Anakin coming down in a state of tousled-haired glory. Rubbing his eyes, Anakin blinked at Ben muzzily.

“Hi there golden-head. Did I wake you?”

“No, missing my personal heater woke me up. It’s cold upstairs.”

Ben sat up and beckoned to Anakin who slumped beside him. “Your hair is getting so long, such a curly mop,” Ben said as he carded his fingers through it. Anakin closed his eyes and hummed, heavy against his side.

“Come back to bed, baby, it’s cold and I’m tired,” Anakin mumbled. He was just wearing sleep pants low on his hips and looked very inviting.

Ben sighed and wrapped his arms around Anakin. “I can’t sleep right now, dear one. Go back upstairs. You need your rest. I’ll tuck you in with another blanket.”

“I’m only going up if you join me.” Anakin pouted. At least he did that so prettily.

“Anakin, I can’t sleep. I can’t just go up there and stare at the ceiling. It’s frustrating and depressing.”

“What’s going on with you? You’ve been off lately. You toss and turn all night if you sleep at all,” Anakin said, cupping his face in his warm hands.

Ben closed his eyes and sighed. If only they could just sleep. “Anakin, I…”

“And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you’re not eating.”

Damn, how did Anakin know that he dumped half the dinners Anakin made him down the garbage disposal when he was away working nights? He had some kind of powers that would make even Satine proud. He couldn’t help that his appetite correlated closely with his mood.

Ben pulled away for a minute and leaned back against the couch. “Anakin, don’t fuss.”

Anakin turned towards him and put his hands on his hips, scolding him like he was a naughty patient. “Oh no, mister. I have earned the right to fuss. I will fuss as much as I want to. You owe me some serious fussing.”

Anakin leaned towards him and pinned him against the couch. “You’re trapped now. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“Just a bit down is all. It’ll pass, my love. Now go rest. You’ve been working too much.”

“No. I will not accept your pretty but fake answer. Why are you sad? Your book is almost in out in stores. We’re getting married,” Anakin said, releasing him and looking perplexed.

“Anakin, it’s not important…”

“Of course it’s important! I’m worried about you. What is it? We promised we wouldn’t hide things. Not anymore.” His hands were back on his hips again.

“Must I?” Ben sighed, as he often did.

Anakin bopped him on the nose. “You must, my infuriating English muffin.”

“It was my anniversary with Cody. We got married in the Caribbean in the dead of winter. Sometimes I can’t help thinking about it.”

“Oh baby, why didn’t you say so? Did you think I’d be jealous or something? You didn’t tell me last year either.”

“I was um, distracted by other things this time last year” Namely still recovering from near death.

“Well, I’m not tired anymore either, so let’s just cuddle for a while, unless you want to be alone,” Anakin said, a little uncertain.

He’d probably dwell on dark thoughts if left alone. “Please stay,” Ben said softly.

He lay back on the couch and pulled Anakin close against him, taking comfort from his warmth and weight, listening to his soft, regular breaths as he eventually fell asleep. Ben watched dawn come quietly through the blinds. At least it was a new day.

* * *

One brisk, but sunny day a few weeks later, Anakin was feeling a bit impatient. It was one of their ‘date days’ where Anakin wasn’t working and Ben wasn’t supposed to write. Ben had wandered upstairs after breakfast and then had never re-emerged, and Anakin hadn’t heard the shower.

Ben had clearly been off lately, quieter for sure, which was worrying. He hadn’t really been sleeping much, which Anakin was of course concerned about but also hated because he was the best sleeping partner ever. He was like sleeping with a warm, soft log that didn’t roll around and only did the softest snoring and was happy with cuddling or being big or little spoon. He hated it when their bed was empty and cold.

Sick of siting around and waiting, he plowed up the stair to find Ben curled up in bed, reading some old mystery novel. Anakin guessed it was like a security blanket in the form of a book; it was the same one he’d been reading the other night when he was upset. Anakin took a deep breath and tried to be patient.

“Ok, remember we’re going on a date today! Do you feel sick or something?” Anakin asked.

“Not at all, love, I just lost track of the time,” said Ben, giving him a wan smile.

Anakin crawled into bed and kissed Ben’s nose, then grabbed his hands and pulled him up. He hoped that doing something fun and romantic would help knock Ben out of whatever funk he was in.

Anakin pushed him into the bathroom to shower and then laid clothes out for him on the bed. He was prepared. Ben emerged fifteen minutes later, spied them and raised a brow.

“There’s a dress code?” He asked.

“Kind of,” Anakin said, handing him a pair of running tights.

“Anakin, I know you have some masochistic fondness for strenuous athletics when its below freezing, but I don’t share that sentiment,” Ben said, holding the tights like they were something vile.

“It will be fun. Just trust me.” Anakin picked up a pair of flannel lined jeans. “Put these on over them.”

“Are we going to split logs at the lumberjack competition? I can’t say I’ve ever handled an axe before.”

“Stop arguing and get dressed. You’re going to have fun,” Anakin said, determined. He handed Ben several more layers of warm clothes.

Once they were dressed, they bundled up further. Anakin took Ben’s elegant grey wool coat from him and handed him the black puffy down coat he’d bought Ben for Christmas, the one that he never wore. Anakin just wanted him to be warm, and he was so uncooperative.

“This one. And this,” Anakin said, also handing him a ridiculous knit hat with a pom-pom on top (hand-maid of course, by Qui. It had ducks on it).

“Anakin, I’m already sweating…”

“Stop whining. You’re going to have fun,” Anakin said, dragging him out the door. He did look a little flushed, but better hot than cold.

They piled into the jeep and drove off to a skating rink Anakin had found in one of the parks. It had a little chalet where you could rent skates. There was a great little café a few blocks away with these big, fancy hot chocolates with loads of marshmallows and stuff.

Since it was a weekday and school was in session, there weren’t many people there, just one woman with a small child who was skittering about the ice.

“Here we are! We’re going to try skating! It’ll be fun,” Anakin said, going for enthusiasm.

Ben looked apprehensive but curious. “Will this be like the camping?”

Anakin frowned, thinking about that disaster and the fact that they’d both frozen their collective asses off. “No. You’ll like it. Come on!”

They walked into the chalet and rented skates. Anakin had played hockey as a kid and his mom had literally put him in skates as soon as he could walk. He honestly didn’t remember learning how to do it.

“I’ve never skated before. Is it difficult?” Ben asked, as he was lacing up his pair of rented skates.

“Not once you get the hang of it,” Anakin replied, struck with the realization that he had no idea how to teach someone to skate. Ben wasn’t an uncoordinated person, he’d catch on.

They walked out to the ice and stood at the edge of the rink, surveying the new landscape. It was a cold day and the rink had cleared off completely. Anakin stepped out onto the ice and started to skate slowly, in an exaggerated fashion.

“See, push off, glide. Push off, glide.”

“Push off and glide,” muttered Ben as he took a few shuffling steps out on to the ice, grimacing.

Anakin turned and skated back towards him. “Glide, don’t walk on the ice.”

Ben, face screwed up in concentration, pushed himself forward, skidding over the surface of the ice, wobbling violently. Anakin moved towards him and caught him in his arms.

“You’re doing ok, baby. It just takes some getting used to,” Anakin said rubbing his back. Ben grumbled intelligibly into his shoulder. He didn’t like being bad at things, but Anakin doubted it would last long.

Anakin had an idea. “Here, hold on to my forearms,” he said, moving back so he was skating backward. “I’ll steady you until you get the hang of it.”

Ben gave him a half-smile and squeezed his arms. As they went around the rink a few times like this, while Ben figured out the balance and flow of it. These were peaceful and pure moments, locked onto each other, trusting. There were no sounds other than the clack of their skates on the ice and the wind in the trees lining the rink. The sun was starting to set, early as it does at this time of year. For this moment, they were the center of a small, cold, still universe.

“All right, I’m going to let go now. You’re really doing well,” Anakin said, releasing him slowly and turning to skate by his side.

They went around a few more times, Ben starting to skate more than shuffle. Anakin hadn’t prepared for one thing though. Ben had managed to work up a little speed.

“How do I stop?” He asked, a little frantically.

“Turn to the side.”

“Huh?” Ben asked, his skill with words momentarily lost. He turned but kept going until he ran into a small snowbank, falling forward with a plume of powdery snow. At least snow was softer than the ice.

He rolled over onto his back and Anakin pulled him up, brushing the snow off him.

“You just wanted an excuse to touch my ass,” Ben said, grinning, dimples visible beneath his thick stubble.

Ah, that was more like the usual Ben, thought Anakin. “I’ll take what I can get. I actually was thinking of tying a pillow to your ass in case you fell.”

“Anakin, I went out in public in 40 layers of clothes and this ridiculous hat for you, but I draw the line at wearing a pillow on my posterior.”

“You’re ridiculous, baby. I didn’t let you fall, did I? The snow doesn’t count.”

“No, my ass will remain bruise free, hopefully.”

“I am your protector. I was going to say that I am the protector of your ass, but that sounds absolutely terrible.”

“Anakin, I didn’t quite realize your dedication, but I’m not surprised,” Ben said, snorting.

“Should we go return our skates? There’s a café nearby that specializes in hot chocolate. They have all different kinds. I’ve wanted to go for forever.”

“Lead the way,” Ben said, skating up beside him and grabbing his arm.

They returned the skates and walked the few blocks to the café. It was small and cozy, with thick comfy chairs and little tables. The studied the menu for a moment. On a large chalkboard, there were at least 20 types of hot cocoa listed and the various cookies they offered.

Ben chose the plain and Anakin ordered the s’mores flavored one. He sent Ben to get a table and placed their orders, buying some assorted cookies as well. Anakin carried the laden tray over to the table where Ben sat.

Adorably, Ben had taken off everything he was wearing on top except a tee-shirt. Pink-cheeked and a little steaming, his hair was standing on end. He looked boyish and endearing. Anakin set the tray down and kissed his cheek.

“What, I was hot,” Ben asked him, quirking a brow and smirking just a little.

“You look so cute! I’ll protect your dignity by not squeezing you right now, but know that I want to.”

“Hmm, maybe later if you’re a good boy. I’m going to enjoy this now,” Ben said, picking up his hot chocolate. It was covered in whip cream and marshmallows with chocolate shavings and sprinkles.

Anakin was happy that he’d got a few good smiles and some actual laughter out of Ben today, maybe he wouldn’t be so off anymore. They leaned back in their chairs and enjoyed their drinks for a quiet moment.

“Can we talk about the wedding for a minute?” Anakin asked.

“If we must.” Ben set his drink down and broke off a piece of cookie, nibbling at it and crumbling it onto his plate.

“What do you think about the floral centerpieces we looked at? Did you like the more pastel, or the ivory ones, or the bolder stuff?

Ben set the abused piece of cookie down. “Anakin, I’ve told you it doesn’t matter to me. Pick what you want. You and Satine can plan whatever you’d like and I’ll be happy.”

Anakin took a deep breath and counted to 10. Why didn’t he care about this? It was his wedding too. “Really? What if I make you wear that duck hat for the ceremony? How would you like that?”

Ben looked at him with a hint of fondness and a tiny smile. “Within reason, dear one. I really just want to marry you. I don’t care about the fine details.” He picked up his drink again and stared out the window, face a blank mask.

“Baby, please, are you ok? Do you feel all right? You just haven’t been yourself lately. Are you unhappy about something?” Anakin had to ask.

“You, lovely one, could never make me unhappy. Just a bit down is all. Haven’t you ever had one of those off months?” Ben picked up Anakin’s hand and twined their fingers together.

“Maybe, but…” God, Ben was going to hate this. “Maybe it would help to talk to someone? See someone about it? I just want you to be happy.”

An indescribable look passed across Ben’s face, then he drew up his brows and looked at Anakin thoughtfully. “You’re probably right. I have in the past and it did help.”

“Promise me?” Anakin asked, squeezing his hand.

“I promise. Now, we have to eat these cookies or they will go to waste.”

Anakin felt pleasantly warm all the sudden. He threw his arm around Ben’s shoulders and squeezed discretely. That went better than expected.

* * *

Blearily rolling over and looking at his phone, Anakin saw that it was 5 pm. So much for a short nap after coming home from work and the gym. Fuck, they had the cake tasting in an hour. He took a quick shower and went to find Ben.

He was not at all surprised to find him in his office, working at the computer. The usual assortment of unfinished mugs of tea sat around him like the remnants of a battle. A little startled, he never the less looked up and smiled softly at Anakin when he came in.

“You could have woken me up,” Anakin said, walking over to the desk.

“You were sleeping so sweetly, how could I?” Ben stood up and stretched, raising his arms in the air and revealing a little bit of his abdomen, which Anakin found adorable.

Inspired, Anakin came up behind him and threw his arms around him, rubbing his stomach under his shirt. “Do you want to come the cake tasting? You’ll get to eat cake.”

Ben leaned back against him. “Do you really want me to go? I could possibly be crabby.”

“Of course I do. It would mean a lot to me if you did. You won’t be crabby if I feed you cake.”

Anakin slipped his hand under the waist band of Ben’s jeans, as always, he was so warm and felt so good and...

“Mmm probably not, but we won’t be going anywhere if you keep that up,” Ben replied, gently pulling away from Anakin and turning to face him.

“You are so pretty, my flushed and sleepy sweet one. Maybe we should just stay here?” Ben asked, cupping his face.

“No let’s get it over with. You need to put on a sweater or something though. It’s cold.”

Ben turned around and grabbed the cream colored cabled sweater he’d thrown on the back of his desk chair and put it on. Anakin now more than ever just wanted to cuddle. They made this appointment though and it was time to go.

They bundled up against the cold and hopped into the jeep. “I saw my doctor to day, love. She referred me to a counselor and gave me something to help me sleep,” Ben said, as he messed with the heat dial.

Anakin was so proud, and he squeezed Ben’s thigh in solidarity. Ben hated going to the doctor and he hated talking about anything related to his health. “Baby, I’m so glad! I’m really happy that you went and that you told me.”

Ben took a deep breath and continued, “She talked about starting an antidepressant but I don’t quiet feel ready for that. I said I’d think on it.”

“Ok, but don’t just forget about it, it could help if the other stuff doesn’t.” Anakin thought that it would really help with his sleep and appetite, but didn’t want to push it.

“I suppose,” said Ben looking pensively out the window. Anakin wanted to hold him some more, but driving wasn’t conducive to that. He settled for holding Ben’s hand.

They walked into the bakery and were taken to a room in the back where a platter of cake flavors with various fillings awaited them. There was a paper guide of sorts telling them which was which. Satine and Qui were already there. The shopkeeper advised them to try the samples, discuss, and she’d be back in a little while.

Qui immediately stood up “Hello son!”. He walked over to Ben and enveloped him in a massive hug. “Ah, my favorite little ginger, it’s been too long.”

Anakin was happy that his dad adored Ben, but then again, he had picked him out using his magical powers or something like that. Anakin was distracted from this thought by Satine aggressively clearing her throat. She was clearly in battle mode, hair up in a French twist, mouth set, no smiles or pet names today. Anakin had never seen her so severe.

“Let’s get to it, hmm? You two are late and Padme just got home from her business trip.”

They sat down together at the table and peered at the selection. Satine gave them approximately 30 seconds to taste a few things before she made a proclamation.

“We should choose the hazelnut with crème filling. It will be unexpected. Modern and classic at the same time,” she said with a voice that would accept no arguments. Her arms were folded firmly over her purse.

“I think it should be strawberry,” Qui said, beaming at Ben. “Ben likes strawberry.”

Unfortunately if his dad didn’t like anything, it was authoritarians. Anakin was pretty sure he was going to start an argument mainly for the sake of arguing.

Satine sighed in annoyance. “Ben will be too nervous to eat it, and strawberry is so juvenile.”

Ben looked over at Anakin knowingly, and rolled his eyes.

“And you want a brown cake? At a wedding? That’s unheard of. I think the boys should have some say in their own wedding,” Qui said, gesturing wildly with a piece of cake.

“Off course they do! Ben has given up his authority to me, and Anakin has been quite involved.”

“Really, Anakin is involved? Well, he hates hazelnuts.”

“I do?” Anakin asked, perplexed. He couldn’t think of the last time he ate one.

“Yes, he does. I made a wonderful bouche de noel one year and he hated it.”

Ben looked over at Anakin and smirked, then dropped his voice to a whisper, “How could anyone hate a yule log?”

Anakin whispered back “I was 12 and it had a lot of liquor in it. It tasted like burning.”

The odd couple continued on with their petty arguments, with the store employee coming back into the room and surveying the scene with unease, then going back into the kitchen.

Ben whispered back at Anakin, “Do you think they’d notice if we slipped out of here?”

Anakin looked at Satine and Qui, who were still heatedly discussing cake with their backs turned and then back at his handsome coconspirator. “Let’s try it.”

They briefly clasped hands and wiggled soundlessly out of their chairs, tiptoeing. They passed through the unoccupied storefront and out the front door, now dissolving into giggles.

“Too much apple cider vinegar in her juice this morning? What’s got into Satine?” Anakin asked.

“She has these moods sometimes.”

“My dad was just tormenting her,” Anakin said, shaking his head.

“I hate to say it, but she deserves it. Anyway, I’m hungry. Let’s find something to eat?”

Anakin knew that their guilty pleasure burger place was just around the corner.

“Burgers?”

“I thought you’d never ask. Let’s go?”

Anakin and Ben walked off, arm in arm. They found out later that the cake flavor would be strawberry.

* * *

Time passed as it always did, and the wedding planning was coming along nicely. Anakin wished that other things were improving as well, but they really weren’t. Ben was going to see his psychologist, or at least telling Anakin that he was going, but he still wasn’t sleeping much. Half the time he was his charming self and the other half was like a quiet ghost haunting his office.

Satine tried to reassure him that Ben went through these phases but that they generally passed, but Anakin couldn’t help but worry. They eventually had to fly back to New York to try on and pick up the suits. Once they arrived at their destination, Ben seemed to think it was a good time to unravel a little bit. Before they got into their car, he sat down on a bench and refused to move.

“I’m only going back there and interacting with that odious man again if have a few drinks first,” he said, setting his face into imperious lines, folding his arms across his lap.

“Its midday,” Satine said, looking anxious and fidgeting with her purse. The driver was waiting for them.

“I don’t care. We have time,” Ben said, not budging.

Anakin tried to be diplomatic. “How about we get something to eat and then have some drinks on the plane during the trip back? We won’t have to be in there long.”

“I love you dear one, but I’m drinking now.”

“Let’s go somewhere we can get food as well,” Anakin suggested with Satine nodding in agreement. Ben gave an impartial shrug and followed them towards the car.

The driver recommended some posh café near the suit place where they were escorted to a table. Satine and Anakin both ordered black coffee. Ben asked for 2 mimosas. Giving Satine a wary look, Anakin was worried this would spiral into disaster. It didn’t happen often, but he hated it when he was the reasonable one.

Satine and Anakin ordered food and Ben just sipped his drink(s) while staring out the window at the passersby, largely ignoring the two of them.

“Don’t you want some lunch?” Anakin asked, internally cringing.

“Fuck lunch. I don’t want to do this,” Ben said in an oddly calm, measured voice. The waiter thankfully studied the menus he’d picked up like they held the world’s deepest secrets.

“Stop acting like a child. You have to order something,” Satine said, pursing her lips.

“I am. Children aren’t allowed to drink.” He looked up at the waiter who was shifting awkwardly from foot to foot. “I’ll have the frites without the steak.”

“Um, no steak?” the waiter asked.

“Just the frites. Thank you. And another drink please.” With that the waiter nodded and walked away, likely glad to be away from the tantrum that was unfolding.

“Why are you acting like a spoiled brat? This is for you. For your wedding,” Satine said, repeatedly jabbing Ben in the shoulder with her excessively pointy finger.

“I never said I wanted this. I did not ask to go to this noisy, smelly, uncivilized city to be poked and prodded by a miserable excuse of a human to get a ridiculously overpriced piece of apparel. I would have been happy going to the judge or getting married by Elvis in the Chapel of Love whilst wearing a Hawaiian shirt.” There was thankfully the tiniest hint of a smirk at the end of that diatribe.

Satine arched a brow in response. “Darling, you’ve never worn such a shirt in your life and you certainly aren’t starting now.”

“Maybe I will.”

After they ate, and Ben drank more, they wandered over to try on their suits. They were greeted by the same slimy man, who looked at Anakin like he was an oasis in the desert. He led them over to the same oversized chairs they’d sat in the first time. Ben was muttering something unintelligible under his breath.

Anakin went to sit down when he felt strong arms pull him in a slightly different direction. The next thing he knew he was not in a chair, but in a lap. It was a familiar lap, which belonged to his oddly impulsive fiancé. He knew Ben was likely not as drunk as he was acting and that he was in the mood to put on a show.

“You sit here with me, my pretty thing.” He said possessively in a mock whisper, playing with the hair around Anakin’s ear. Anakin was both horrified and mildly stimulated. Ben was rarely at all demonstrative, but sometimes unpredictable.

The man turned white, clearly not prepared for this type of behavior, and started to briskly walk out of the room with a passing “We’ll get your suits ready, it will just be a moment.”

Satine looked like she wanted to throw herself out of the window and was disappointed that it was only the third story. Ben simply looked pleased with himself. The man said very little the rest of the visit and they left with suits in their garment bags.

* * *

Weeks crept by and Anakin still worried. Ben had finally decided to take an antidepressant, which Anakin supposed was a good thing. He couldn’t help but worry that this was somehow his fault, but he knew that was irrational. He just wished Ben would sleep, and he still missed his warm, sweet body pillow.

It was game night at his dad’s (monopoly tonight, which would be a blood bath). Ben had politely declined, stating that he had some work to do. This wasn’t unusual in and of itself, he didn’t always go. Anakin left him typing away in his office, tea at his side. When he got back it was late and the lights were on still. The house was oddly quiet. A bad feeling came over him, nurse’s instinct, he guessed.

Ben wasn’t in his office or downstairs. A half drank glass of whiskey sat on the coffee table. Anakin went up to their bedroom, where the lights were on, but it was empty. He made his way to the bathroom, where he could see the back of Ben’s head in the bathtub.

He was slumped over, eyes closed, face pale, mouth just above the water line. Anakin panicked and ran over, shaking his shoulder. The water had long since cooled.

Ben opened his eyes blearily, then sat up quickly as he realized where he was. He gave Anakin a look of startled indignity.

Anakin felt fury building within him, a fire on which gasoline was thrown. “What in the fuck are you doing? You could have drowned.”

Ben shook his head as if to clear his mind. “Anakin, don’t be ridiculous. I would have woken up. I didn’t think the sleeping pill would kick in that fast.”

“Which I’m sure you washed down with bourbon. You are such a fucking idiot. Can you try for at least a few days to actually give a fuck about yourself? For someone so damn smart, how can you be such an idiot? Are you actually trying to hurt yourself?” Anakin could feel that he was shaking, yelling so loud he was probably spitting.

Ben stared at him for a second in the cold bathwater, looking grey and desolate. “Of course not Anakin. I just didn’t think…”

“Yeah. That’s your fucking problem. You just don’t think about how what you do affects anyone else.”

Ben didn’t say anything, just sat there looking down, face inscrutable, then moved to get out of the bath. Anakin didn’t help, but watched him as he tried to get up, limbs and back stiff. He slipped a little, undignified. Fuck it. He deserved it for scaring him that much. Anakin felt tears pricking behind his eyes. He couldn’t bear to look at Ben anymore.

“I’m going to sleep downstairs. We’ll talk tomorrow,” Anakin said, leaving the room once he made sure Ben was out of the bathtub.

“I’m sorry Anakin,” he heard as he walked down the stairs. He knew he hadn’t handled that well, but he was out of patience for the night. He’d try again tomorrow.

Downstairs, he felt the need to hide. He ran into the office and slammed the door, then leaned up against the back of it, catching his breath. Once he stopped shaking, he noticed something on Ben’s desk, something he’d just seen a picture of. It was Ben’s new book, which wasn’t out yet.

Anakin walked over to the desk and picked it up. The cover and pages were stiff. He opened to the dedication page and read it.

 

To my husband Anakin,

Without whom many things wouldn’t have happened, including this book.

I love you beyond measure.

 

Anakin was still a little mad, but most of it faded away. For what seemed like an eternity, he sat on the floor, reading that page. They’d make up and all would be well. It had too.

* * *

The next morning, Ben knew Anakin was awake, and likely puttering around in the basement. They needed to talk and he needed to apologize. He’d behaved abdominally lately and it was no surprise Anakin was mad at him. Taking a few deep breaths, he dressed himself in warm clothes and slipped downstairs. He needed to take a walk to clear his mind.

The air was just starting to warm up with the very hint of spring. Song birds were starting their vernal songs, as they had for millennia and would hopefully do so for countless more. The air was heavy with incipient rain. He walked, alone with his thoughts, for several miles, until he reached a familiar place.

Under a leaden sky, he made his way across the brown grass of a wooded park to a bench beside a large pond. In the summer it would be surrounded by honeysuckle and willows. Now their branches were still brown and bare, but held the hint of beauty to come. The rain, promised, had started to fall.

He’d sat at this bench many times, not always alone. Today, the park was empty and he had no company but a slightly mournful wind. He thought back five years or so into the past. He and Cody had sat in this same spot on a warm summer evening, lazily watching the swans with their cygnets, not talking about much in particular.

“They’re kind of mean, aren’t they?” Ben had asked.

“The swans? They’re just defending themselves and their babies. I think they’re beautiful,” Cody had said, rubbing his thigh as they leaned against each other.

“They mate for life,” Ben had remarked.

“Yes, they do.” Cody smiled at him and put his arm around his shoulder. They sat and watched the swans swim in the light of the setting sun.

But he wasn’t a swan, no. He was just a man. He shivered as he sat on the wet bench. The ice was off the pond, but the swans had not returned. Not yet.

He was alone, because who else sat in the park in the early morning, in the rain, in spring?

“Cody, I know you’re gone, but sometimes I feel you here. Sometimes I swear I hear your voice. I know you aren’t mad at me. I just need to let this go. I need to let all my worries go. They’re eating me whole.”

There was no answer. The rain continued, but the wind brushed gently by his shoulder, rustling the branches of the willow above him. He then heard footsteps coming behind him. Ben turned his head, there, unexpected, was Anakin.

“I followed you,” He said, rain coat wrapped tight around him. Anakin cautiously made his way towards Ben, as if he were approaching an only partially tame animal.

“Anakin, my dear little savior, you can come sit with me. I just needed a walk,” he said, beckoning towards him.

“I’m sorry, dear heart. I’ve been thoughtless and I’ve scared you. I didn’t want to, trust me,” Ben said, as Anakin plopped down beside him.

“Ever since we got engaged, you been so weird. Do you want this?” Anakin asked, point blank.

“Anakin, know this. I still want you with all of my being. I’m just struggling with a few old demons, some old intrusive thoughts,” Ben said, taking Anakin’s cold hand in his own. They’d need to start moving soon before they both froze.

“Tell me about them. We’re going to sit here in the freezing rain until you talk,” Anakin said, huddling against him.

Ben smiled, then took a deep breath. “Part of me still grieves Cody, but that will never change, nor will it stop me from loving you.” He sighed and paused. “Anakin, I have so much doubt in myself. That I won’t be good enough for you. That I’ll leave you… I keep thinking that I’ll die and leave you like Cody left me. I can’t bear it. That horrible though has lodged itself tight in my mind. I can’t get it out.” There. He’d said it.

Anakin took his own deep sighing breath. “I followed you here because I want you. I chose you. I know you’ll always love Cody, but that doesn’t stop you from loving me too, just like you said.” He shuddered. “I know this is hard. And I know you’re hurting. But I love you. I want you.” Anakin reached towards Ben and turned his face towards him.

“Look at me, baby. Say I get a short time with you. It wouldn’t matter ‘cause any time I have with you is precious and I’ll take whatever I can get. I’ll treasure every minute of it. I’ve known that from the moment I saw you in the café. Let it go. Let’s enjoy everything we have.”

Ben tried to will back tears and wiped at his eyes, overwhelmed. The water ran down from his hair into the neck of his shirt. He tried not to shiver. Anakin stood up and took his hands. “I will tell you that every day. Every hour if you need to hear it. Now let’s go before we die of hypothermia.”

They ran off together to the Jeep as thankfully Anakin had driven. “I’m sorry Anakin, I shouldn’t have let this build up so much. I’m an idiot sometimes,” Ben said.

“Just tell me when you’re sad. Tell me and I’ll tell you. We’re here for each other. We’ve started a home together. We’ll marry our lives together soon,” Anakin said as he started the Jeep.

“Together then?” Ben said, kissing his cheek.

“Always.”

They drove off in their warm car to their warm, safe house to continue their life together. Things would not always be perfect, but they would be good.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!!
> 
> Thanks as always to my lovely, talented, and brilliant beta picavenger14. 
> 
> If you'd like, let me know what you think!


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